i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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