make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
