The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
