Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
one might say we're banned from that church
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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