your room smells of hookers.
And success
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize