hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just gargled with NyQuil
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
