Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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