I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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