a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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