my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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