ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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