she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
