I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
that's an acceptable place to lick
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
