I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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