I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
