found the other keg... it's in the tree
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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