Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
