And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Randomize
