You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
