Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
