Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize