he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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