hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
