and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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