She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
