I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
