Can i not drive my cunt home
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Randomize
