There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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