Nicole vs. Life
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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