why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
