I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
