You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
