My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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