Old men and throwing up are my life now.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Randomize
