Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
