I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
