this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
