i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
