saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
