and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
