Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
