I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
we're so committed to being not committed
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize