Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
