Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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