i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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