I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
