Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
