I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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