I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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