If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
