me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
