I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
