I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This toilet bowl is my home.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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