The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
