I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
