shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
