I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
