I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
