I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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