I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
