So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
