Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
